when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
