I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
