So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
