he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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