In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
