Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
