i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
