a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
