anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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