lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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