my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
