Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
