is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
