I'm jealous of your bromance
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
