I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
