ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
