Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
