hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
whose parrot is this?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
