I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
