Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
