You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
