I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
