Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
