Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
