who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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