You really coming over, don't trick.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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