So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
