I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
