I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
