sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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