i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
