FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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