my mouth tastes like poor choices
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
