I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
