She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
