wanna go halves on a baby?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
