My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize