8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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