my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
