Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
