You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She bit a glass in half.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize