girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize