There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
