We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
