i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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