Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
