nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Less talking, more tequila
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
