Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
