He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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