I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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