I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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