the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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