so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
