Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
