I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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