Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
