I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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