Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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