my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
