I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dignity is for republicans.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
