I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
