I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
