I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
