glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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