I wish I could punch you in the face.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
