youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
