I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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