He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
