this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize